Selamat Pagi Rasa Cemburu

Jika bisa aku akan bertanya:
Apa ada masalah dengan aku
yang lebih segalanya darimu?

Tidak secara pandangan pertama

Aku akan membuatmu menderita
Tercabik, teraniaya, tak lagi bernyawa

Aku berharap agar nanti hari itu akan ada
Saat semua terkuak

Dan busuknya senyummu
akan berbalik pada kesengsaraan abadi

Kita lihat saja nanti


Bagaimana cara menyampaikan rasa rindu yang baik,
jika saya sudah tidak punya kata-kata?

Cinta Bulan

Aku ingin bercinta
dengan cahaya bulan
di bawah emosi terluapmu
supaya kamu tahu
cahaya itu lebih jernih dari api

Aku ingin mengadu peluh dengan rumput
di sarang lebah di kaki bukit
supaya kamu tahu
tumbuh-kembangnya cintaku
tanpa air tanpa candu

Inilah yang aku sebut kebahagiaan
Perih untuk mendengar
Perih untuk tertindas

You Left Me leftover

I fucked myself with this getting-old jealousy
When you’re far away without tweet, when you’re far our without me.
I fucked myself with this hail-technology act
when I hope I could see you online, when I thought I can handle it all
with just hoping seeing you online.
People said, “Set your mood with song” or “Set you idea with orange-color wallpaper”
They shared bullshits.
I can never get rid of this getting-old jealousy.

we’re on the same side then why won’t you understand this incomprehensible bugging shit?
IF we’re sheltering each other from harm why could not you try to chew this enigma?
I’m here facing the riddle, solving the puzzle, alone.
I’m always here fighting the aftermath of “Silence is golden” era and irreproachable partner.
If only you’re a girl craving for light from this darken and blind jealousy,
If only you’re a girl with sensitive and careless sixth sense,
you will know how that so-called immune you from wise-and-mature thought
in your upcoming twenty-second birthday

We Are or Were Eerie Sounds

As a person who now has many friends. I knew several of ‘em well, so many several of ‘em not, most of those several of-them I don’t care. Let’s pretend you don’t, you never care about me but I don’t care if you don’t care and neither of us care about each other, I’ll keep blabbering here.
I know two people, not too close. We are, don’t know when exactly it changed to ‘we were’ good friends. We danced hard, we never fucked the right man, we are (maybe now they were) hard-to-get-drunk babies, we bitched up about assignments, about lecture who got super-geek looks, we mocked the fashion-darling girls who stupidly put pattern LV scarf on their necks with their plain Tees on and yelled, “You bitches, put scarf on your hands like us. But keep daydreaming then, you can never be as famous as us!”
But after that day, three of us wore scarf in the neck and mocked the same triplet fashionista with fringe red pumps screamed,” Triplets wearing red pumps as if they’re fire! We are now wearing scarves on necks to show you how stupid you’re wearing this shit on your neck!”
But the day after we wore fringe chocolate leather boots and kept spreading our venomous words, “See how weird you look in these shoes? You three are really amazing slut! Keep pumping their dicks, Triple Bitches!”
Now I could see.
One of my friends, always wearing minettoka fringe boots, not pump shoes, though they’re boots, like Triplet Bitches.
Another one of my friends, always wearing scarf on her neck. As glorious as those Triple Bitches.
Now am wearing simple flat shoes and jeans. Topless. As what I know, being fashionable like Triplet Bitches don’t work with my fully-filled brain.
Being topless, naked is better, is how to be at the top of your consciousness not to be a copy cat of fashion darlings. It’s so good being one-and-only who wear this and that, showing off you got plenty of money to buy several floral leggings with different pattern and you matched it with unique glasses.
But being naked shown you how you should be proud of your shape, of your inner shape you’d likely to forget about it the most. Being topless showed you how your outer shape shaped you well with only plain jeans.
I now have myself conscious when to look stupid by crafting my outer look looks good and able-to-manipulate people’s thought toward me.
None the less, I am a compliment bitch as crazy as you.

Cinta Neraka

Kalau memang mau jalan berdua mestinya searah
Pakai kompas yang sama, pakai satu payung berdua
Kalau memang jalannya mau berdua mestinya tidak susul-susulan
tapi berdampingan, samakan arah dan tujuan
Kalau memang mau tetap berdua mestinya samakan persepsi
bukan lari masing-masing, debat kusir bikin pusing
Kalau memang mau selalu berdua bagusnya memang satu rumah
saling mengerti, saling menghargai
bukan intimidasi, bukan tidak mau saling melayani
Kalau tidak punya kompas yang sama, tidak ada di bawah satu payung,
beda rumah diam mematung,
kalau tetap berdua juga…
Selamat datang di neraka

Cut the Veuns Down

What’s so inhuman to you
If you’re NOT a human itself
That no red blood streams inside your veins
Knowing there’s no veins inside your tissue
You’re running out of your mind when you tried to fuck ‘em all
To give what-the-fuck act upon all consequences
Is that human?
Will that ever be inhuman if you fuck things up
like what you always want to?

What’s so inhuman to you,
if you were never be human
on your own?

Pine Trees and Cigarette

We met unintended among thousand eyes
They were glared at unicorn at sky playing gameboy
With Merry Christmas Mr. Manhattan’s on
With heads nodded, banged
Feet jumped, hands up
We were on our own
I was
in amazement of being the only one whose heart
jumped out
seeing a boy dancing with plain white tees and parachute vest
“Twas cool,” all I could rhyme
With less than three-word small talk,
you destroy my life more than 11 whole months


How could I sit next to you as
fully-clothed twenty-year-old college student
pretending she’s not longing
her first love
so bad

Though my mind was getting dirty
to kiss you on the neck
and cheek
and lips
over and over again without closing your front door

Then air was heavier than before
You asked permission to take a bath
All I had heard outside you locked bathroom was
water splashing hard to you toilet tile
As my brain was overlapped, crossing the lines,
I still sit neatly in front of your laptop’s monitor,
like a little girl who’s paying her full attention
to finish her all-weeks homework

You stepped out
Heavier air now mixed with you fresh-washed hair
You’re drying your hair with chocolate-white strip cotton towel
The rushed of blood ambushed me
I wouldn’t let myself living in despair
after this load-of-shit mental case

I pulled you back
to the place where you probably clean your sticky white liquid
that mixed with my own

I locked the door
I was so clever that you never realize
I hide a fucking glass-piece, no, glass-vas piece
you broke when you raped me few hours ago
so harsh, won’t be forgiven, unforgotten

Then I ripped out your flesh
When I saw red blood streamed all over the tiles,
I could recall it was such a blood stream between my thighs

I changed cloth, finished packing with all your bullshit about first love
and endless love, and unlimited patience, and commitment,
and make love as a proof of worshipping each other’s, and complicated past,
and unfinished relationship, and how lovely seeing me naked,
and how you loved it being inside me, and your whimpering, and your gasping for air,
and more loaded of bullshits inside my current mind were trying to burst out

I said goodbye to you, as harsh and cruel as I could do
to a man whom I smelled his sexual-air room and sore semen
few hours ago

I locked him in his room
I released him from my room


This what I call,
go back
I'm yielding

This what I'll call
when I grow old
Memory stays

Not only pictures talk
Or taking pics with my stupid outfit
Or make a pose with beer
And some dirty talks with photographer

Not just seeing hanging drawing
Not just clapping my hands for jazz on the street

This is a coming-back trip
This is a return-home holiday

To find my self
in full shape
Full length of understanding
mending pieces of yesterday's feeling

Not just put my legging on
And my mini skirt
And let my self dance hard all nite
with trance
with shadows

This is a home-coming journey
This is life illuminated by new dawn

This is me,
returning back home

Masa Kini Empedu Hati

Untuk hari ini,
masih ada malam
yang harus aku selesaikan
dengan serigala lapar

aku sudah berjanji
aku akan
memberi separuh dagingku
untuk dia makan

di hutan ini
aku membeiarkan diriku
berkut darahnya
juga menjilat air mata

Raung hatiku
lebih patut diludahi
lebih cocok dibalut
dengan kalimatMu
yang tak kasat mata

Empedu hatiku
lebih kotor dari itu

Bid Me

To shut your memory
and forget all that sensitivity

I gave up

I dropped that coins
to warn you

To kiss you good bye.


Rasanya setengah berguna setengah tidak

Diam itu menyelesaikan masalah
dengan caranya sendiri

Rasanya setengah asa setengah tanpa

Diskusi itu tidak membawa jalan keluar
dengan keangkuhan masing-masing pembicara

Rasanya setengah berpengaruh setengah tidak

Keterpaksaan itu menyisakan sesal
dengan caranya yang tidak aku ketahui

Rasanya setengah mati

Pemaksaan kehendak itu berdampak
pada bagian vital perasaan
yang aku tidak terlalu pedulikan


Jadinya akan begini

Saat diam tidak bicara
Saat bicara tidak menyampaikan apa-apa
Saat keterpaksaan hasilnya tak tampak
Saat pemaksaan kehendak buahnya penat

Aku menulis

Itu jauh melahirkan kepuasan
daripada memulai kata yang terpaksa
pada orang yang tidak ingin diskusi murni

Aku marah disini

Aku puas

Daripada bicara tidak didengar yang nantinya
memaksakan diri sendiri
berlanjut pada diam
lalu menambah masalah
dan putus asa

Aku tarik napas panjang
Menabuh genderang perang
dengan Pallas Athena

Siap memangsamu yang selalu bicara:

Aku buat kamu
benar-benar diam sekarang.

Pendaran Lampu Asap Ganja

Sepanjang perjalanan aku membohongin diriku yang sednag berbohong di hadapannya.
The rely of the sun... Slowly decending

Aku melihat lampu mobil berkeliaran di jalan, berlari secepat kilat seperti aku yang sekarang mau lari dari sini.
Atau sekalian menceburkan diri lebih dalam lagi.

We could fly... You and I...

Tidak ada yang lebih indah dari penculikan setelah makan siang oleh orang yang pernah ada di masa lalumu, dan berada jauh di dalam ruang hati dimana pekuburannya sudah tidak dijamah lagi
Kissing... Kissing

Saat mobil berseliweran di jalan dengan bau asap ganja aku menerawang
Apa kabar, rumah? Apa kabar, Pacar?
Sementara tangan kirinya menindih tangan kananku.
Iya, dia menyetir satu tangan di jalan tol dengan kecepatan 100 km/jam!

I’m a turning of a heart

Aku tidak bisa berbohong lagi.
Tidak bisa lebih dari ini.

Dia menikmati lagu selagi aku tidak mau begitu cepat melaju
Tidak akan bisa kalau aku terus-menerus tertawa

Nanti, mungkin aku akan bilang.
Aku tidak bisa punya calon suami yang cuma memegang tangan tanpa tahu perasaan.

Potongan lagu Bliss - Kissing

Temanku Bernama Maya

Baiklah teman,
kita bertemu setiap hari


Saat kita berdiri bersebelahan di konser band lokal
Tidak ada apapun yang terkata
Dari ujung pangkal lidah

Kalau aku pergi jauh melangkah
Atau mungkin besok pagi mati
Aku percaya

Di rangkaian nama yang terpampang indah,
tidak akan ada namamu tertera

Once Upon a Trance

with your bare mind
Observe me
without being rejected
Sought-after me
after you’re filled with purity
Landed upon me
while you’re on your trance

Past Time Story

Ameliorate me
with your melody
Arrange me into harmony
until I see how translucent you’re to me
The violin and the drum
and the triangle and the wind
and the roar
I’ll kiss you on your reddish cheekbone
The very last one in century

I Don't Count Swimming on My List

All right.
Shut up.

Close your mouth.

You're on ambulance, Baby.
You're not inside the sportscar!

I gave you signal and sorry, can't you read?!!

I want you to shut up.

And please now, Baby.
You're none of my business.
For sure.

Go swimming with your friends instead of me.
Instead of asking me to wake up early.

on Sunday.

Fuck, on SUNDAY.


Then go ahead.
I'm going into the deep sleep again.

Are You There or Are You not?

I buzzed
Instant messaging you again
Many times
Then I was waiting
I waited again
I buzzed you three times now
No answer
I was about to explode
I buzzed again
and again
Okay we’re in mute mode
maybe it was fifteen buzzes
became annoying
I fell asleep in front of my monitor
while my heart was stabbed with hope
as if you’d call me
as though you’re still full of me
Yet there was stream ran from my left eye to right ear
It flew hard
What I only knew before I solely warped into a deep sleep:
No buzzes
No replies
No message
No call

You appeared online


Okay now it becomes countless
Now it takes forever to count 24 hours
Now seems it is forever
With the scars and bleeding lungs
With those gown and empty hearts
I stunned
I bewildered
I was going to fuck my self before you’re saying we’re done
I’m done with myself now
Take anything you like
Including this patient and endless viruses hacked my system
So goodnight
And so long.

It's None of Your Business, Bitch

I worn out. We torn apart.
We never really ready for this. I never really ready for this.
I know I should mend this feeling but all there was perished toleration.
I didn't gallivant around, literally.
I wasn't on a trip.
I observed your each room.
But sorry never works for you.
I never really put myself amid your business.
This rainproof coat now melting, dissapear, following the stream.

You're sorry.

First Thing Is (not) First Sight

Di pandangan pertama semuanya terletup:
Aku mau kenalan.
Aku harus dapat nomor hape-nya.
Aku mau ajak nonton.

Di jabat tangan pertama semuanya sederhana:

Di makan siang paling sore semuanya dikatakan:
Mau nonton?
Boleh. (Sambil SMS)
Bilang sama cowokku dulu.

Di senandung senja paling dini yang sangat menghantui, dia bilang?
Bayu, maaf. Aku harus anter buku ke rumah teman. Kita ngga usah nonton, ya? Lagipula, pacar aku mau ke rumah nanti malam.

Tidak semua pandangan pertama berjalan dengan semestinya.


Lalu, pandangan pertamamu?

Bizzare Lola Pop

What does maturity refer to?
How does it work?
Is it on sale by spring?
i wish you could see my awkward face

By ultra-high-class technology we own now,
can't you feel my fingers are trembling?
Typing "don't ha ha" and "should I care?"
with my right hand while the left shed my own tears?!
Can't you feel that?!
1400-kilometer far is enough!


It doesn't seem appropriate.

i wanna see you.
I wanna know your whole
Every inch
by heart

Now saying "sorry" won't sound good at all
Leaving you into a deep sleep
as the last option

As if it exists

It takes more that 45 minutes to lost into solitude woody dream land.


The beginning always is the hardest.

And Baby, it’s only our beginning.

Baby, I should be patient

Baby, you should too.

And I need time, Love.

I need you in my time.

But be still.

I need not talk.

Let’s not


Am I Being Transformed?

We had only
15-minute talking
After 3-hour mute mode

Could you just imagine how rage had eaten my wholy patient?
Could you just imagine how you screwed me up?
(Or perhaps when I was in my wise mode,I thought I was totally dumb fool to admit that these all was my own fault)
Could we just stop by here for a moment (again),dear?
My fuel of logic-and-rational patient was run out.

Buldoze Me

We've been through it all, I chew I fall
While singing and mending your torn-apart melodies
My life's lost under your pillow
My breath costs your dream and show
I won't come down
I'll bring up death below your pulverizing soil
We are broken machines...
We are can-not-be-fixed engines.

Last Morning

I dunno what i was exactly doing while you're angry.

Of getting no passion and captivated.

Of letting go no pressure instead of packing and inhale.


Seemed it didnt work at all.
The vow and those so-called promises.
They bitched about relationship while i was reeling about how-to-be-a-good-girl stuff.
We're done here.

Giant Stop Sign

Listen to morning breeze. Hope to hear your annoying voice.
Sounds nice for beginner lover. You sucks to experts level.

As i opening curtain in my room,im doomed.

Try to be honest!
I dont like the way we build castle in the middle of this lake.
I dont want this way:you muddled, my persona become fake.

Let's be real.
Let's not continue.


Maybe leaving wont be the worst.
If only i dont want you that bad.
If only my heart's living no dread.

I dont know since what date i hate being left.

You wont know how it burned me to death.

Im sorry for being so pitiful. I'll leave you later.


Am on my way to Bandung. I dont feel fit but yea. Hmmh.
I gotta learn from my own mistakes. Hahaha. Shit. At this rate, there's anothere twinge of guilt but i hafta go on with this relationship. Haha.
I dunno what am feeling for sure,this love's growing inside bigger and bigger yet i dont know what i've done. Hahaha. Yawn.

Mixed Salad

All things collapse in once
And your figurative character won't make things better.
I wanna hit the sheets.
Lemme forget you for a moment.
Lemme fall asleep.
Lemme forget your kisses.
Lemme be evil.
Lemme haunt you by whispering endless repeated same question:
I dont love you. Do you?


Kalau seandainya aku tahu
ada apa di ruang itu
Aku tidak akan menunggu
terlarut lebih jauh
ke perasaan carut-marut itu

Malam ini
Aku akan menciumnya lebih dalam
dari biasa

Kalau saja aku tahu
ada apa di ruang itu
Tak usah repot-repot tersedu

Kadang air mata
terlalu membosankan untuk dihapus


Once I said 'yes'
It means 'yes'
And you can never say 'no'
Or regret your saying 'yes'

Once I ask you to stop
You have to
Without further warning

It all ends here
Without further warning
Or 'no'

You have to trust my ego
Coz I eat yours



Stop talking back at me
I need not talk
And even you murmur sound
It’s useless to say, “I don’t like.”
Even I’m making no point when I say, “I think we should...”
I need no reply
nor flower
I need no call
nor “sorry”
We’re torn, babe.
We’re dying here.

3 jan 08


Hai hai hai hai hai hai hai.
Status currently reading gw: Snow Falling on Cedars
Dan gw lagi benci sama yang namanya Etta. Ugh, dia tuh keturunan Jerman-Amerika tapi sotoyyyyyy banget. Dia ngga suka sama bokapnya Kabuo, Zanikhichi ato siapalah namanya gw lupa, gara-gara dia Japanese!! Ya ampyunnn.
Lucu sih baca itu, kesannya gw jadi dihadapkan pada kenyataan bahwa tidak ada orang yang TIDAK SO TAHU di belahan dunia ini.
Mau orang Amerika, orang Arab, orang Sunda, Yahudi, Islam, Kong Hu Chu, Atheis. Namanya juga sikap orang ya ngga?
Hmm. Terus, gw lagi nulis (lagi), berhubung kali ini internet di rumah udah ada walopun ngga cepet-cepet amat dan gw ngga make tiap jam karena aktivitas yang masih banyak dilakukan di luar rumah.
Intinya baca itu belajar, sih. Hahaha! menyenangkan juga buat tahu sifat-sifat orang.
Jadi inget beberapa perangai menyebalkan yang gw temukan di kampuy, terus dari murid-murid, temen-temen yang belum dewasa, yah begitulah. Seru tapi jadinya. Makin kita mau belajar, makin ada aja yang mesti disabarin.
Udah ah, nanti gw cerita-cerita lagi. Otreh.
Tetaplah semangat membaca blog ini. Aseekk.

One.. Why?

One thing 4 sure. I just need friend to hang-out with.
One... I just need you to take me to beautiful places.
One... I just need not being insecure.
One.. I dont care u relationship wif her.
One.. I want ice cream.
One.. I need you not to kiss me.
One.. I love him still.
One.. We need lunch.
One.. Please lower you voice and be nicer.
Lets just pretend we are good friends they have. This far.