Hati
Kalau seandainya saya punya hati cadangan, mungkin saya akan memakaikannya di tubuh saya saat saya bersamamu. Memberikan hati cadangan yang tidak penuh dengan kata-kata kasar, tidak penuh dengan makian, tidak penuh dengan keinginan saya untuk dituruti.
Seandainya hati cadangan itu memang ada, saya akui saya akan lebih senang karena hati cadangan itu bekerja sesuai mesin yang memenuhi keinginan kamu, yang bisa membuat hubungan kita berjalan lancar karena semua keinginan berjalan sesuai kemauan kamu.
Jika hati cadangan itu hadir dalam hubungan kita, bisa jadi semuanya akan lebih baik karena saya akan menjadi orang tanpa emosi, tanpa keinginan untuk dimengerti, tanpa keinginan untuk menampar keegoisan kamu yang seperti anjing kelaparan, tanpa keinginan untuk membenturkan kepalamu yang keras ke batu karang. Kamu tidak akan terluka, hatimu terbuat dari baja. Baja itu melapisi tubuhmu, karena itu kamu memang harus berdarah.
Tapi, tidak pernah ada kata selamat datang untuk hati cadangan.
Pada akhirnya, hati saya-lah yang berdarah-darah.
Pertanyaan selanjutnya, bagaimana bisa hati kamu berdarah, kalau kamu hanya membenturkan hati saya? Kalau saya tidak pernah cukup dalam menusuk hati kamu, entah dengan kata-kata saya atau dengan sikap sok benar saya.
Kalau saja hati kamu memang bisa berdarah, buktikan di depan saya, dengan anak panah di sekujur tubuhmu, dengan luka bakar di sekitar hatimu, dengan kata-kata halus.
Kalau memang hati kamu belum cukup berdarah, selamat tinggal adalah kata-kata yang saya akan ucapkan selanjutnya.
Dan hati cadangan itu, memang tidak pernah ada.
It is. Isn't it?
I think it’s okay to let go some love. To breathe out some foolish thoughts. To let you go.
I think it’s okay to think of anybody else. To dive into their minds. To fuck within 20 minutes, under influence of the moon.
I think it’s legal to have illegal thoughts about satan. To summon dangerous spell upon you who have loved me, who have known me well. To do bad things.
I think it is okay.
To let you go.
Pengertian
Saya tidak tahu apa-apa. Saya buta. Entah ini perasaan macam apa. Saya sungguh ingin membunuhnya. Saya ingin membunuhnya. Saya ingin membunuhnya. Saya ingin membunuhnya. Persetan ini apa. Saya harus membunuhnya.
Rambutnya pendek, fashionable. Betapa saya iri padanya. Sungguh saya ingin menjadi seperti itu. Punya stock baju selemari lebih. Wajahnya oriental. Saya sungguh ingin membunuhnya. Saya ingin membunuhnya. Saya ingin membunuhnya.
Ternyata lelaki brengsek itu masih menyimpan foto-foto dia di komputernya. Mungkin tidak ada di komputer juga, dia masih ingat semua memori tentang mereka di hatinya.
Saya kalah. Saya kalah. Dari jauh hari sebelum saya memulainya. Saya sudah kalah. Dia memang bukan untuk saya. Dia untuk perempuan itu. Tidak akan berubah sampai kapanpun.
Nama mereka sama, bergantung pada satu sama lain. Nama mereka sama, bagian dari masing-masing. Saya tidak ada apa-apanya dibanding dia.
But Us
Our love is strong unlabeled relationship that no one understand but us
It is engaging, it bounds me, it creates hole in my heart that never seems to close unless you fill it with your random sights
Our love is a secret code with no secret number to unlock. That no one could solve but us.
It is sealed under the moon beam. It is burned under our skin that will never be found unless we adjoin our open mouths and watered them with nameless kisses
Our love is massive sparkling lights. That no one can see but us.
It’s shining upon when we’re holding hands. When we exchange stories and laughs, that no one could never understand.
But us.
And this crap,
is a piece of puzzle that no one can never find countless other pieces.
Because I put them inside a trinket,
that no one can ever reach.
But us.
An Other
There will be a day when i really need a spare. As if one never enough.
One really annoying and i need a spare. Of solid human being. Of real monster that will eat me alive since i am too wild to exist.
I really need a spare. A morning with coffee. A night with break of normal life.
I really really need a spare.
Of boiling veins that will catch my words and care of every detail.
I really need a spare.
Of tamed animal, of nodding machine who can't bitch me up.
I do.
And i don't feel bad. That's tragedy.
Oh by the way, did you know that I've had a phone sex with your close friend when you're not listening? When you're not cooperative enough to be good friends nor lover?
I will congratulate you of every clumsy response you've given me. I will congratulate this red stream inside my panties that slammed my emotion and gave me roller coaster ride.
Cool life. You'll never know what I've done behind your back. You'll never know how I happily seduce your close friends and drink their spit, gulping a big glass of their sperms in my mouth.
I still will congratulate your carelessness.
Thank you for giving me such an option. You're still the best, since you never listen to me I'd ask other people to listen to me. It's that easy. And life will not stop giving me enough option to choose.
SSSSSHHHHHHHHHH
Can't you please just shut up?
Shut the fuck up and lemme wake up at 10 a.m?
Not asking me to park neatly in front of your house, and please don't speak at all?
I need to have a world of my own without you surrounding my wall
Without you poisoning my style
Please.
Or i should move to another nest without your shitty unmatching, not-appropriate, silly-and-harsh crap?
I will.
At the time i've done with this, you gonna miss me.
One by One
I am here
trapped in my tiny world
If my hearts could torn into the tiniest piece
this is the time
I’ve been dreaming lately to become a person who would just finish anything I had screwed up before
but now I ended up shit as if I was just build a castle of lies
lies beneath surface which no one knows, so that no one care
Congratulation will never be enough
And sorry seems too much
Space
We’ve created a room of our own.
We build our space, starry space with fluorescence light bulb and glowing flame.
As they grow, I won’t leave. I cannot.
The space’s getting bigger, and it has filled, as always, with our warm conversation about future,
our growing hot sexual air, our icy cold argumentation.
We’re getting stronger.
The bound, the understanding.
Each heart grows flower, different kinds of flower
that connected to other’s flower-growing heart
to tighten and hold onto them.
Our space is a vine yard.
Never been disconnected.
Insect Ego
I am the unfathomable ocean of darkness
and hatred, and vicious fury monster
I colored my hair black, cut it so I look stylish,
and put handmade hairclip so I gorgeously, stunningly, attract people
But they, this is how they attract people
They talk shit
(that’s why I don’t like because I am the nerdy bastard rehearsing Donne)
They laugh together
(that’s what I don’t like because I narrow my eyebrow and hang a pen between my lips
when I write lyrics)
I called it envy
I am jealous
I am the jealousy
I am jealous and I mean it
Congratulation to all of you who's in one same fucking party
monsters with snake skin and lamb heart
go fuck yourself
Berdoa Dalam Rumah
Kalau nanti aku pergi, bukan mati
Tapi pergi dari sini saat kamu tidak siap
Biarkan aku
keluar
Disini pengap dan terlalu normal
Disini penuh kata bijak tapi tidak tahu cara mengimplemetasikan
Disini penuh wejangan tentang kebangsatan yang bisa selesai hanya dengan doa
Hanya dengan sebuah kepercayaan kalau semua bakal selesai begitu saja
Dimana aku
butuh ruang
butuh udara
butuh ruang hampa supaya aku tidak terbawa kata yang terlalu sering ditancapkan di kedua telinga
DImana aku bebas dan cengkraman doa yang katanya bisa merubah segalanya
Tidak ada kata persetan dengan doa
Tidak ada yang bisa menolak kekuatan doa
Setidaknya aku bukan
Setidaknya aku tahu aku masih punya Tuhan
Tapi
aku butuh banyak ruang
aku butuh air dan oksigen dan keributan dan keberingasa dan kebangsatan dan darah dan amarah dan pecahan gelas dan beling dan darah lagi dan tamparan dan tusukan dan
KABUR
Aku percaya
di titik didih rasa jenuh
aku akan pergi sendirian
dan hanya doa yang nantinya membawaku
padamu
pada kotak kecil yang mengikat
tirai tipis sekuat pilar dimana aku memaki "BABI!"
yang bernama rumah
Nanti
akan ada saatnya
cuma doa yang bisa membawaku kesana
Broken Fragments
Full Stop
Tinggalkan Aku di Belantara Ragu
Demonstrasi
Dan rasanya, membangkang itu bagai bebas dari jerat. Bagai lepas dari borgol yang mengikat.
Tanpa paksaan, tanpa permintaan, membangkang itu kesenangan.
Tidak berbekas, tidak berwujud tapi aku ketagihan.
Pembangkangan itu bagai sulut api yang siap membakar wajahmu yang hina.
Aku sulut api yang siap membunuhmu, mengobarkan api amarahku tepat di wajahmu.
Tepat membumi-hanguskan ego anjingmu.
Membuat abu keluh-kesah keparatmu.
Dan rasanya mati rasa, saat bernapas cepat menahan napsuku
untuk menampar kembali semua janji yang diucap dalam bisu,
untuk melontarkan lagi uap mendidih toleransiku
atas ke-anjinganmu
atas ke-membabi-butaanmu atas aku
yang tidak mau tahu
bagaimanapun
pembangkangan harus hidup
di atas penindasan atas mimpi, angan, dan pengharapan.
Tidak ada cinta yang hina.
Aku yang membuatnya.
Inhale
I promised you to walk through many miles
But in the middle of the road you changed direction
and you changed your place to stay
I promised you I’ll be your dearest home to stay
Shelter to share, shelter of your own world
With no harm I approached you; with no-shit care I retouch your burning bones
But baby now we’re disappear into wild dust tornado
I couldn’t help it
Fire Show
Droplets of disappointment and small bit of rage
were enough to shoot catastrophe to you
to abruptly avoid complete entry of your inexplicable love
to immediately shut you insensate system of hugging me
I yielded
to send you massive message of
close desire to separate
to send you repetitive post of
bleeding passion to apart
So please don’t bother now
to erase those sparks
to vanish those blinking feelings
I will always be here
waiting
for another attack
of your irregular flak
I am here
Ready for an ambush
This is You
This is the endless fight
Where you cannot stand with anybody's but your feet
When you cannot have a crush to high-recommended new bloke
After you just lost your sharp instinct on lacing bid
Piano playing and flute and triangle
sounded good when you're crying
Sobbing and gasping and aching
never felt nice before you're ended like shit
We're dumped
We're frightened by our self making delusion
Now I am typing
this imaginable languish in my lack of knowledge to heal wound
I am typing
So you'll read and narrow your eyes
"Does this happen? Does this important?"
I raped by my endless fighting, fighting myself.
From your repugnance
From your envy
From your stupid reason to tear me up to shred
In the end,
I will still type
I will let you know how those feelings build me
I will let you know
I'll stand
Stronger
Impregnable solid human being
Tidak Ada Pelukan di Tangisku
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)